It's not Mt St Hillary, it's Mt Doom!
by crazomatic
Summary: The trilogy is complete! Starscream joins The Fellowship, Legolas joins the Decepticons, and the battle for the Matrix and Middle Earth begins on the slopes of Mt. Doom/Mt. St. Hilary! This is a wackly G1 TF meets LOTR adventure!
1. Default Chapter

Authors Note: Here are two of my favorite fictions having a universe together. This is silly, illogical and doesn't stick with any particular timeline, although the Transformers in this fic are from the G1 series. This fic has the A-word in it a couple of times, ya know, the 'A-word?' If you are offended by the 'A-word', then maybe you might want to reconsider reading this fic. To all others, enjoy! LOTR Rules!  
  
  
  
It's not Mt. St Hillary, it's Mt. Doom!  
  
[Gangalf gallops up to the Ark on his horse Shadowfax at the base of Mt. St. Hilary. He dismounts and clutches his staff for support as he climbs up the stony slope to the entrance of the ship].  
  
Gandalf: (yelling into the entrance) Optimus Prime! My name is Gandalf of Middle Earth and I request audience with you!  
  
(Several Autobots run out of the Ark with their firearms in hand. They think perhaps it's a trick, or need to scare off the occasional humans who make their way up their mountain to see the giant robots. Prime walks out).  
  
Optimus: Gandalf? What brings you here?  
  
Gandalf: You may be in great danger. This mountain your ship rests in is the very site of evil itself; it's the home of Lord Sauron. This is Mt. Doom!  
  
Optimus: Well that would explain a few things.  
  
Gandalf: Like what?  
  
Optimus: Well . . . .I've been having these . . . . . experiences.  
  
Gandalf: (looking suspiciously up at Optimus) Like what?  
  
Optimus: I keep getting chased around the Ark by flying knives.  
  
Gandalf: (amused) Really?  
  
Optimus: Yes. I sorta just dealt with it at first, you know, like using them as target practice when they would fly at me an' all, but . . .  
  
Gandalf: But what?  
  
Optimus: But now I'm hearing this voice and it's all starting to really freak me out!  
  
Gandalf: (looking concerned) What else has happened?  
  
Optimus: This is going to make me sound like I've totally lost it, but late at night in my quarters I would hear this voice that would scream, "Get out of my mountain, Asshole!"  
  
Gandalf: Anything else?  
  
Optimus: Yes, I also saw this lidless eye of flames that kept asking me to, "Give me the Matrix, my precious Matrix!"  
  
Gandalf: I think it would be wise for you to leave this place.  
  
Optimus: Damn, Mt. Doom. You know what? That really sucks!  
  
Gandalf: It's for the best; you don't want to stay in a cursed mountain.  
  
Optimus: I guess your right.  
  
Gandalf: But where will you go?  
  
Optimus: I guess we'll just have to find another place to live. Or build one.  
  
(The Autobots start packing. It takes weeks to get everything ready. Megatron learns of there departure through his spy Laserbeak (as usual) but decides to make a personal appearance.)  
  
(Megatron casually walks over to Prime who is standing outside alone) So, you're leaving?  
  
Optimus: (jumps) Megatron! Do you always have to sneak up on me like that?  
  
Megaton: You know, you could start paying more attention! I didn't sneak up on you, stupid, I walked over here! I'm your mortal enemy for cryin' out loud, and I could have leveled you to scrap if I'd felt like it.  
  
Optimus: What do you want?  
  
Megatron: I just wanted to know, your leaving this place?  
  
Optimus: Yes, we found out we live in a cursed mountain.  
  
Megatron: What do you mean by cursed?  
  
Optimus: It's Mt. Doom.  
  
Megatron: HOLY!  
  
Optimus: Yeah, just got the message from Gandalf a few weeks ago. He came riding up here on a horse and informed me all about it.  
  
Megatron: Sheesh, Mt. Doom itself! How unfortunate for you to crash here!  
  
Optimus: Yes, but at least the flying knife thing will stop.  
  
Megatron: The flying what??  
  
Optimus: Never mind.  
  
Megatron: So, where will you go?  
  
Optimus; Like I'm really going to tell you!  
  
Megatron: Well fine! I guess I'll be off then, back to my nice, warm, underwater base. Where all my comrades have a nice, warm, place to call home. Where everybody knows your name, where you can . . .  
  
Optimus: Where you can now KNOCK IT OFF! (he starts to walk away from him)  
  
Megatron: (following him) If your attention span is as bad as it was right now, you'll probably be living in the trees!  
  
Optimus: Shut up!  
  
Megatron: And you'll have to climb up and down the branches to continue you war with us!  
  
Optimus: Go away. (walking really fast)  
  
Megatron: (walking really fast behind him) Like the animals! Up there with all the birds, squawk squawk! Autobots transform! squawk!  
  
Optimus: Leave me alone.  
  
Megatron: Or you could live in caves and draw little Deer on the wall with chalk.  
  
Optimus: Are you done now?  
  
Megatron: Later Gandalf will tell you that it's Moria and you'll have to leave there too!  
  
Optimus: Your a jerk, you know that?  
  
Megatron: Up in the trees you'll sit, swinging from the branches and dropping little Transformer terds on the ground below!  
  
Optimus: ALL RIGHT STOP IT! The Autobots are never going to "swing from the trees," and I'm not even going there with you about Transformer terds!  
  
Megatron: Awww , I'm just kidding with you Op, you know me!  
  
Optimus: Yeah, yeah right.  
  
Megatron: (shuddering) Yeesh, being an animal would be pretty sick. They got all that nasty hair and stuff, YUCK!  
  
Optimus: You should seek help, Megatron.  
  
Megatron: I'm so glad I'm made of metal and not organic, I hate organic.  
  
Optimus: Yes, I know.  
  
Megatron: They have this problem with terds. I hate terds!  
  
Optimus: You don't even know what making a terd is! What am I saying?! OH MAN!  
  
Megatron: You really should work on that attention span of yours. Here, have a banana!  
  
Optimus: Why on Earth would I want a banana!  
  
Megatron: I'm not quite sure, it just seems to fit you somehow.  
  
Optimus: ARE YOU LEAVING NOW?  
  
Megatron: Yes, (starts to fly away) See ya around you homeless bum! Muhahahahah!  
  
Optimus: What a jerk!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
[The Autobots move into their new home Autobot City and get everything put away) Several months later, Gandalf rides up to the entrance on his horse Shadowfax]  
  
Gandalf: Optimus Prime! I am Gandalf of Middle Earth and I request audience with you!  
  
Optimus: This can't be good! (He walks out) Gandalf! What brings you here to Autobot City?  
  
Gandalf: I should've asked where you were moving to before I left you several months ago.  
  
Optimus: Oh yeah? And why is that?  
  
Gandalf: Because you need to move again.  
  
Optimus: What!!!!! Why do we need to move again?  
  
Gandalf: Because, you have planted your fortress in the heart of this ancient forest.  
  
Optimus: SO?  
  
Gandalf: This forest is the home of the immortal Elves of Mirkwood! You must leave their land at once!  
  
Optimus: Well that would explain a few things.  
  
Gandalf: Like what?  
  
Optimus: Why the Autobots kept getting hit with arrows from the trees when we were outside. Those pesky little things were starting to chip my paint! OWWW! (he gets hit with another one) STOP THAT!  
  
Gandalf: The Elves consider you an intruder to their forest. You need to pack up and leave.  
  
(Suddenly Legolas rides up on a horse with bow and arrow ready)  
  
Legolas: Yeah! Get out of our forest, Asshole! (he shoots at Optimus)  
  
Optimus: OWWW! Knock that off you pointy-eared demon!  
  
Gandalf: Now, now! There's no need to get violent.  
  
(Suddenly a banana hits Optimus in the face)  
  
Optimus: Who threw that!  
  
(Megatron comes out from behind a rock)  
  
Megatron: Hee hee, Hiya Op!  
  
Optimus: Damn you Megatron! When are you going to leave me alone!  
  
Megatron: So I see you've landed your pitiful aft in Mirkwood this time! Nice one Optimus!  
  
Optimus: Ya know, I'm getting a little sick and tired of this whole Middle Earth thing! And I'm especially getting tired of you Megatron!  
  
Megatron: (ignoring him) Hey Legolas? What to be an honorary Decepticon?  
  
Legolas: Sure!  
  
Megatron: Great! Now my first order is for you to gather all the other Elf forces and attack Optimus Prime with bananas!  
  
Legolas: Okay! (he starts to gallop away into the forest)  
  
Optimus: Wait! Wouldn't you rather be an honorary Autobot?  
  
Legolas: Bite me, tree killer! (he gallops away).  
  
Optimus: Damn. Why bananas?!  
  
Megatron: Why not?  
  
Optimus: You're seriously sick, you know that!!  
  
Megatron: Yes, I know. Hey Gandalf! You wanna be a Decepticon too?  
  
Optimus: NO WAY! HE'S MINE! (he grabs Gandalf)  
  
Megatron: OH YEAH! (he grabs at another half of Gandalf)  
  
Gandalf: ACK!!!!! (they tug of war over Gandalf, screaming "He's mine! No Mine! NO MINE, MINE, NO MINE!!!!! Suddenly out of nowhere, truckfull loads of asparagus come flying at Megatron and Optimus. They drop Gangalf, as they are covered with green stuff and are trying to get it out of their optics.  
  
Megatron: I said hit OPTIMUS with BANANAS!!!! Not ASPARAGUS!  
  
Aragorn: We don't grow bananas in Gondor, you evil metallic demon!  
  
Gandalf: Aragorn!  
  
(Aragorn and Arwen sit proudly on a white horse)  
  
Optimus: Hey! You can't be here, you should be dead by now!  
  
Aragorn: Oh yeah, demon? It's the year 2003 and your dumb ass died off in 1987!  
  
Optimus: (thinking for a moment) Yes, that's true, but that really happened in the year 2005!  
  
Aragorn: How can that be? It's the year 2003 and now you're nothing but a stupid Ape!  
  
Optimus: I'M A WHAT??????  
  
Gandalf: I'm afraid it's true Optimus, I have foreseen it.  
  
Optimus: Wait a minute! How can go from a truck in 1984, to an Ape in 2003, but die off as a truck in 2005??? What the hell is going on around here!  
  
Arwen: Then you come back to life in 2008.  
  
Optimus: As what?  
  
Arwen: As the same lame ass trunk you were before!  
  
Gandalf: Oh the tangled parallel universes we weave!  
  
Optimus: An Ape! (he looks at Megatron) You should just get it over with and kill me off NOW!  
  
(Megatron starts to crack up) An ape? Well, that means you would let out little Transformer terds!!!!  
  
Optimus: OH WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF ABOUT TRANSFORMER TERDS!  
  
Gandalf: Your fate is far worse Megatron!  
  
Megatron: (gaspes) Do I become an organic too?  
  
Gandalf: Yes, I'm afraid you do also!  
  
Megatron: Damn, so I'm gonna crap on the ground too?  
  
Arwen: As a great big stupid Tyrannosaurus Rex.  
  
Aragorn: That's already extinct by the year 2003!  
  
Megatron: I hate my life! (He flies off) You'll never get me Hasbro! NEVER!!!!!  
  
Aragorn to Arwen: He hasn't watched Beast Wars yet, has he?  
  
Arwen: What do you do you mean, HIM? I can't even watch Beast Wars!  
  
Gandalf: Cheer up Optimus! (Optimus is crouched on the ground with his head in his hands completely devastated and moaning, An ape? An ape? Gandalf pats him on the back)  
  
(Legolas returns with an army of Elf forces)  
  
Legolas: There he is! There is the newest incarnation of the evil Lord Sauron! He rose from Mt. Doom and now seeks to destroy all of Middle-Earth! ATTACK!  
  
(Bananas start flying at Optimus. The Elves march out of the forest in huge numbers, some carry banners with big yellow banana insignias on them).  
  
Gandalf: Wait! Stop! He is not the evil Lord Sauron! He is Optimus Prime of Cybertron!  
  
Gimli: No he's not! He's an evil demon and must die!!!! (He swings his ax at Optimus foot. Optimus yelps in pain.  
  
Optimus: Alright knock it off or the Hobbit gets it! (He grabs Frodo Baggins off the ground).  
  
(They cease fire)  
  
Frodo: Help me Gandalf, help me! (Merry and Pippin run behind Gandalf, but Samwise Gamgee faces the 'metallic demon')  
  
Sam: Let Frodo go Metal Shanks or I'll have you!  
  
Gandalf: What are you doing here, Sam???!!!  
  
Sam: The Elves raided the banana crop from Farmer Maggot, and we came to find out what they were up too!  
  
Legolas: Yes, we were told it would harm the demon!  
  
Optimus: But I'm not a demon! I'm Optimus Prime, commander of the Autobots from the planet of Cybertron! I'm a GOOD guy!  
  
(Frodo whips out his sword 'Sting' and cuts off Optimus' finger).  
  
Optimus: OOOOWWWWWW!!! (he drops Frodo) You little Middle-Earth people are really horrible you know that!!!  
  
Legolas: Get out of our forest or we'll never leave you alone!  
  
Optimus: But I don't know where else to go! Who can help me figure it out?  
  
Galadriel: I can help you, Optimus of Cybertron. Come with me. (she waves him to follow her into the forest. Optimus follows).  
  
Optimus: (to himself, 'OH GAWD NOT THE ELF WITCH TOO!')Where are we going, Galadriel?  
  
Galadriel; To the forest of Lorien, the home of my people, while there, we can help you find another home.  
  
Optimus: The Elves own that forest too?! Damn, real estate is tight around here! So, how far is it anyway?  
  
Galadriel: As the crow flies, about seven days journey.  
  
Optimus: As the crow what? Oh man, (he transforms) jump in Elf Queen, I can get us there in a couple of hours! (she does and they speed off)  
  
(At the forest of Lorien, Galadriel tells Optimus to look into her mirror for answers.  
  
Optimus: But what will I see?  
  
Galadriel: Not even the wisest can tell.  
  
Optimus: Well, I'm the damn wisest one around here, so it better have some answers!  
  
Galadriel: Look into the mirror and see for yourself!  
  
Optimus: Owwww, my finger hurts! Look what that Hobbit did to me! (he shows Galadriel his hand with a finger missing)  
  
Galadriel: Yes, that's pretty disgusting, but will you look into the mirror now?  
  
Optimus: OWWWWW my foot hurts too, look at what that evil dwarf did to me! (he shows Galadriel his foot)  
  
Galadriel: Yes, a pity, maybe you could look into . . ..  
  
Optimus: And I'm covered with asparagus! Your people are really mean!  
  
Galadriel: WILL YOU JUST LOOK INTO THE DAMN MIRROR ALREADY!!!  
  
Optimus: Oh yeah, the mirror, sorry . .. (he leans over and looks into it, then starts to mumble stuff to himself , then falls backwards screaming, Noooooooo!!!!! He's of course watching the TF Movie)  
  
Galadriel: I know what it is that you saw, for the same thing was also in my mind.  
  
Optimus: Then I know what I must do, only, I'll be all alone and I'm afraid to do it!  
  
Galadriel: You are a Matrix bearer Optimus, to bear a Matrix of power, is to be alone.  
  
Optimus: Your right Galadriel! (he transforms and zooms away).  
  
Epilogue:  
  
Flash forward to the year 2005. The Autobots have moved to a safe location on the border of Middle-Earth are happily doing their Spring cleaning on a beautiful April day in Autobot City; with the exception of Hot Rod, whose been locked in a closet all year with orders he can't come out until the year 2006. Kup visits him once in awhile, giving him his 'monthly ration.' People aren't really into going to see Hot Rod nowadays, as his perpetual whining about how 'I didn't DO anything' is driving everybody nuts.  
  
Optimus sent Unicron a sub space video E-mail that read: You come near my planet, and I'll kick your ass, I'm one scary MOFO!" The whips out the Matrix and strikes a kick ass pose. Unicron chickened out with that threat and ate other planets in the universe instead.  
  
Gandalf and Optimus played hard ball with the Hasbro Executives, threatening them to send their most annoying characters (Wheelie, Daniel, Blurr, and one pissed off Dwarf) to haunt them every day if they dare release another season of Beast Wars. The Hasbro Executives shrink in fear at that one and cancel the series. Gandalf lights a bunch of fireworks in celebration.  
  
With that said, the Transformers and the people of Middle-Earth lived in peace, with the exception of course of Megatron trying to destroy the planet with some other weird high tech doo-hickey, ya know, that old story, but gets stopped every time by the Heroic Autobots and the LOTR gang.  
  
The End  
  
So gang, what did ya think? Need I even say more about this? Suggestions, comments, giggles, and everything in between are always welcome. TTT Rules! 


	2. The purple hand of Rumble!

Personal Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers or Lord of the Rings.  
  
[The world of Middle Earth has changed greatly since we last visited our heroes. The fires of Mt. Doom grow hot once more. The sight greatly alarms Gandalf, who fears the Evil Lord Sauron has found a new object he greatly desires. He decides to ride to Autobot City to inform Optimus Prime of the news. He reaches the gate and is greeted by Ultra Magnus].  
  
Ultra Magnus: Hello Gandalf!  
  
Gandalf: Hello Ultra Magnus, I have come. . . .  
  
Ultra Magnus: To visit Optimus Prime, yes I know. I'm very glad you came, as Optimus has been acting very odd lately.  
  
Gandalf: Odd? Tell me something; how long have the Autobots lived in Mt. St. Hilary before they moved out?  
  
Ultra Magnus: I'm not sure as to the exact date, but I know they have lived in that mountain for years.  
  
Gandalf: Hmmm. It may be worse than I feared. What has happened since I last left you?  
  
Ultra Magnus: Why don't you come see for yourself? (The both enter the city).  
  
(Gandalf knocks on Optimus Prime's door at his quarters)  
  
Optimus: Go away! I don't want any visitors!  
  
Gandalf: Not even from some old friends?  
  
Optimus: Whose there?  
  
Gandalf: It's me Gandalf!  
  
Optimus: Ah HELL no! I'm not letting you in! You always bring me bad news.  
  
Gandalf: Ultra Magnus, break down the door!  
  
(Ultra Magnus breaks down the door and they both charge into the room. Optimus is hiding behind his desk holding his Matrix. The room lights are off and would be completely dark if not for the sunlight shining through the window. Empty energon containers lay skewed about the floor).  
  
Gandalf: Optimus Prime, I must speak with you at once!  
  
Optimus: Why have you come here? You've come to take my precious away haven't you? Haven't you? Well, it's mine! It's mine! My precious is mine! (He hugs the Matrix).  
  
Ultra Magnus: You see? I can't get him to do much anymore; he just sits in here hiding all day, clutching the Matrix in the dark. I've had to relieve him of duty until he snaps out of it.  
  
Gandalf: Ultra Magnus, Optimus lived in the Arc for several years thinking it was an ordinary mountain. But it wasn't an ordinary mountain! Mount St. Hilary was in fact Mt. Orodruin!  
  
Ultra Magnus: Mt. Orodruin? Where's that?  
  
Gandalf: It's otherwise known as Mt. Doom!  
  
Ultra Magnus: HOLY!  
  
Gandalf: Yes, what is worse is that the fires of Mt. Doom grow hot once more. I'm afraid the evil Lord Sauron may have placed his spirit into the Matrix before the One Ring was cast into the fire. What I can't figure out though is how that occurred!  
  
Ultra Magnus: The Arc lay dormant in the mountain for millions of years. Sauron might have detected the power of the Matrix while the Autobots were still deactivated. It's possible he may have used the Matrix as a back up plan if the One Ring was ever destroyed.  
  
Gandalf: Yes, quite possible. So, his spirit endures once more! Only, this time I don't know how to destroy him.  
  
Ultra Magnus: Not to worry Gandalf! I'll just order the Protecobots to form Superion and destroy the mountain!  
  
Gandalf: It's not that simple. If you destroy the mountain, Optimus Prime will be affected by the destruction also. Sauron has the power to end all life in Middle Earth, and that is not a comforting thought! This will take great planning indeed!  
  
(There is a rustle of noise heard outside the window).  
  
Gandalf: Optimus! Get down! (Optimus is not paying any attention to them, as he is having a tea party with the Matrix).  
  
(Ultra Magnus sneaks over to the window and grabs the intruder, slamming him onto the desk).  
  
Ultra Magnus: HOT ROD!!!!!!!  
  
Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge!  
  
Hot Rod: Uh . . . . Hi guys!  
  
Gandalf: What were you doing eavesdropping on our conversation?  
  
Hot Rod: Nothing!  
  
Ultra Magnus: Tell us what you heard!  
  
Hot Rod: Uh . . . .  
  
Gandalf: SPEAK!  
  
Hot Rod: Nothing! Only something about a Dark Lord, a Matrix, and the end of the world! Please, Gandalf, please don't hurt me and turn me into anything, . . . ORGANIC.  
  
(Gandalf looks amused. Ultra Magnus helps Hot Rod up on his feet). I think we have better plans for you!  
  
(Hot Rod has a puzzled look on his face).  
  
[Saruman flies high over the Pacific Ocean on a Nazgul. A great tower of metal shoots up from the water and the Nazgul enters the opening shaft].  
  
(Saruman enters the underwater base, and is approached by Rumble).  
  
Saruman: Greetings Decepticon! I have come to form an alliance with your race.  
  
Rumble: Yeah, whatever! Here, wait in the lobby with the other potentials!  
  
Saruman: Potentials?  
  
(Saruman enters the "lobby" and sees a room filled with other evil bad guys, including Goblin; Skelator; Magneto; Darth Vader; Lex Luther; Cy- Kill; and many others. Saruman is astonished by all the bad guys sitting on benches waiting for their number to be chosen. Saruman walks over to a ticket meter and takes a number ticket).  
  
Saruman: This is ridiculous! Why must I, the great and powerful Saruman wait in the lobby with these idiots!  
  
(Suddenly, Rumble throws out Jesse, James and Meowth from Pokemon out of the command center. They skid to a stop at the end of the lobby).  
  
Rumble: Get out of our base you pathetic excuse for bad guys!  
  
Jesse: How dare you throw us out! We are the perfect example of bad guys!  
  
James: Yes! Prepare for trouble!  
  
Jesse: Make that double!  
  
James: To protect the world . . . .  
  
Rumble: I SAID GET OUT!!!!  
  
(They run for their lives into a hot air balloon and float away. Meowth sticks his tongue out at Rumble).  
  
Rumble: Bad guys these days, I swear! All right, number 187, you're up!  
  
(Magneto jumps for joy that it's his turn, FINALLY. He runs into the command center, where Megatron, Soundwave, and Starscream are sitting at a table waiting for the newest hopeful's audition. The rest of the Decepticon gang is standing nearby watching. Saruman peeks into the room to see what's going on).  
  
Starscream: All right number 187; show us what you can do!  
  
(Magneto uses his abilities of magnetism to lift all the Decepticons off the ground).  
  
Starscream: AAAHHHHHH!!!!! Put us down, put us down!!!!!!! (He does and they crash on the ground).  
  
Megatron: Very impressive uh . . . what's your name?  
  
Magneto: My name is Magneto!  
  
Megatron: I think he was very good, very promising, what do you think Soundwave?  
  
(Soundwave nods his head in agreement).  
  
Megatron: Starscream?  
  
Starscream: Do you actually think you've got talent! You're a disgrace! In fact, if you think you've got what it takes to win this contest, you better show me something better than that!  
  
Megatron: Aren't you being a little hard on the guy?  
  
Starscream: You're pathetic! Your power reminds me of some pre-school science project!  
  
Megatron: STARSCREAM!  
  
Starscream: Rumble! Get him out of here!!!!!! (Rumble grabs Magneto and kicks him back into the lobby).  
  
Megatron: He wasn't that bad!  
  
Starscream: How do you know what it takes to make it in this business! I've seen them come and go, and they need to be a lot better than that if they want to be in the Deception gang! (The other Decepticons cheer in agreement).  
  
Megatron: Fine, SIMON! Whose next?  
  
Saruman: I'm next! (They all look over to find Saruman, whose walking toward the table).  
  
Starscream: Another loser? Let's see what you can do!  
  
Saruman: Loser you say? Let's see if losers can do this! (He points his staff at the three of them at the desk, where they transform into organic beings. Megatron becomes a T-Rex, Starscream becomes a Woolly Mammoth, and Soundwave becomes a chicken).  
  
Starscream: I'm a horrible organic!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
Megatron: Look at all your nasty hair!!! Turn us back, turn us back!!!!  
  
Saruman: Not until you make me the winner of this stupid contest!  
  
Megatron: OKAY OKAY! You win!  
  
(Saruman transforms them back to their robotic selves).  
  
All three: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!  
  
Saruman: Now will you hear me out?  
  
Megatron: Okay, what's your story.  
  
Saruman: My name is Saruman and I come from the land of Middle Earth from the Tower Orthanc. My mission is to serve the great and terrible Lord Sauron, who is now gaining power within Mountain Orodruin.  
  
Megatron: Mt. Orodruin? Where's that?  
  
Saruman: It's otherwise known as Mt. Doom.  
  
All: HOLY!  
  
Megatron: Ah YES! That's Optimus Prime's old place, Muhahahaha! He left because he couldn't handle it anymore, what a total loser!  
  
Saruman: Yes, . . . . .as I was saying, Sauron's spirit lives! I have come to call on your assistance, as he desires to conquer Middle Earth! But in order for him to do so, we are going to need a particular object.  
  
Megatron: Please don't tell me we need the Matrix! I am so sick and tired of that old story. The Matrix this, and the Matrix that! It's always about that stupid thing, why, we Transformers have never been the same since it was invented in the movie!  
  
(The other Decepticons nod in agreement)  
  
Megatron: Remember those good old days? Prime and I could fight and be this close to utter annihilation, and never once did he try to open it and save the day! Now it seems it's always the center of attention, 'Hey Optimus! I have a rash, why don't you whip out the Matrix and make it all better!' 'Okay!' GAWD! I'm so sick of it.  
  
Saruman: You may posses the Matrix when Sauron's spirit returns to the mountain.  
  
Megatron: OKAY!!!! (Starscream glares at Megatron in disgust).  
  
Saruman: Fine! Then we form a partnership right here and now!  
  
Megatron: Well, maybe, but first you're going to need to show me some credentials.  
  
Saruman: Why do I need to show you my credentials?  
  
Megatron: Hey, I just can't have anybody be my evil sidekick. I mean, look at who I settled for last time I did that! (He points at Starscream).  
  
Starscream: HEY! He's just kidding, Saruman! We go through this all the time.  
  
Megatron: No I'm not. You really do suck as an evil sidekick. I should just kill you off and get an evil clone of myself. Hey Saruman, can you make an evil clone of me?  
  
Saruman: Why in Middle Earth would you want an evil clone of yourself?  
  
Megatron: Because having an evil clone makes bad guys like us look really cool! Both Captain Picard and Dr. Evil have one, and now I want mine!  
  
Saruman: Tell you what. You help Lord Sauron conquer Middle Earth, and I'll make you an evil clone.  
  
Megatron: REALLY???  
  
Saruman: Yes.  
  
Megatron: DEAL!  
  
Starscream: What a minute! You just can't dump me as your evil sidekick, Megatron! Who else will you have fights with? Who else will tell you that your plans are utterly retarded? Who else will you blame for all your own mistakes and then chase me around the world in an evil rage? Who else will tuck you into bed at night?  
  
Megatron: I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION THAT!!!!  
  
Starscream: Oh yeah, sorry.  
  
Megatron: Maybe it is time you got replaced Starscream!  
  
Starscream: Yeah right! Why doesn't your new 'sidekick' show us what else he can do with that stick?  
  
Saruman: Oh yeah! (Saruman whips out a copy of 'Fellowship of the Ring' and sticks it into the computer. On the screen they watch the battle of Gandalf and Saruman in the tower, throwing each other around).  
  
Megatron: Impressive! Okay, you can join us!  
  
Saruman: Good! Now let us start our evil plan!  
  
(Starscream scowls at Megatron, then runs for the exit and flies away).  
  
Starscream: You'll be sorry you dumped me Megatron, VERY SORRY!  
  
Megatron: Don't worry, he'll be back. What a cry baby!  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
Gandalf: Hot Rod, you will lead Optimus Prime to Mount Orodruin. While you're walking there, I'll figure out what we are to do!  
  
Hot Rod: Where's Mount Orodruin?  
  
Gandalf: It's otherwise known as Mt. Doom.  
  
Hot Rod: HOLY!!!!  
  
Gandalf: Yes, you must guard Optimus well, never let him out of your sight! The closer you get, the more under the influence he will become under the spell of Sauron.  
  
Hot Rod: Listen, why don't we just end this tonight! We'll jump into Skylinx and be at the mountain by sunset, piece of cake!  
  
Gandalf: LOOK! This isn't going to be an epic adventure if we take the easy way out and fly there, STUPID! Here, read these books (Gandalf throws the trilogy of Lord of the Rings at Hot Rod).  
  
(Hot Rod flips through the pages)  
  
Hot Rod: Walk????? We have to walk there? That sucks!  
  
Ultra Magnus: What do you want me to do, Gandalf?  
  
Gandalf: Stay here and guard your city. If I know Saruman well, he has also discovered Mt. Doom igniting and will be trying to join forces with another evil group to overthrow Middle-Earth.  
  
Ultra Magnus: That could only mean one thing. Megatron!  
  
Gandalf: Let us pray that is not the case! (He runs outside the city and jumps on Shadowfax).  
  
Ultra Magnus: Where are you going, Gandalf?  
  
Gandalf: To summon the forces of good to aid our quest. Sauron must never live again to torture the land once more! (He starts to gallop off).  
  
Ultra Magnus: Wait Gandalf! I've got Springer here, why don't you let me have him fly you there instead of riding that horse?  
  
Gandalf: You Transformers don't get it do you? An EPIC adventure is what I'm creating here, an EPIC adventure! It won't be much of an EPIC if I fly everywhere and use advanced technology to get us out of this mess. Maybe you need to read those books too.  
  
Ultra Magnus: Oh, sorry.  
  
Gandalf: Besides, I'm afraid of heights. That's why I don't have my own tower. Farewell! (He gallops off)  
  
(Ultra Magnus waves goodbye, then turns to look at Hot Rod, whose looking at the ground sulking)  
  
Ultra Magnus: Now is not the time to start feeling sorry for your self!  
  
Hot Rod: But why do I have to go on this stupid quest?  
  
Ultra Magnus: Why not you!  
  
Hot Rod: Ah, come on Magnus! You know I don't like Optimus Prime! He locked me a closet for a whole year for no reason, and I didn't DO anything!  
  
Ultra Magnus: Trust me, Optimus saved you from a lot of grief! Here I'll prove it to you!  
  
(Ultra Magnus and Hot Rod run into the city. Ultra Magnus pulls out a copy of Transformers the Movie and fast forwards to the scene where Megatron uses Hot Rod as a shield to kill off Optimus).  
  
Hot Rod: Oooops! My bad!  
  
Ultra Magnus: Now do you understand why he locked you in the closet that year?  
  
Hot Rod: Yes. Geeze, now I feel all obligated to help him, which is good because I WAS making plans to throw his dumb ass into the fires of Mt. Doom for that!  
  
Ultra Magnus: You're more twisted than I thought Hot Rod!  
  
Hot Rod: Hey, locking me in a closet for a year was a pretty screwed up thing to do when I didn't DO anything wrong!  
  
Ultra Magnus: (think for a moment) Well, I guess he did go a little overboard.  
  
Hot Rod: Yeah, well, he better not pull anything new on me either, or else I'll be asking him whether he likes his Matrix served regular or extra crispy!  
  
(Ultra Magnus gives Hot Rod a cross look).  
  
Hot Rod: Oh I'm just kidding! C'mon let's grab Optimus so we can get this over with!  
  
===============================================================  
  
Soundwave: Laserbeak returns, Megatron!  
  
Megatron: Excellent Laserbeak! Soundwave, tell me what he has found!  
  
Saruman: Wait, I can tell you! (He closes his eyes and hovers his hand over the Palantir stone) He has found the location of Optimus Prime! He is heading to Mount Doom as we speak with some small, puny, red robot covered with flame.  
  
Megatron: Ooooooohh, you're good. That clone is as good as mine!  
  
Laserbeak: SQWAK!!! (Laserbeak has a pissed off look on his face).  
  
Rumble: I think you upset Laserbeak, Saruman. (Laserbeak transforms back to cassette mode and slams back into Soundwave).  
  
Soundwave: Laserbeak is mad, Megatron!  
  
Megatron: Ah, he'll get over it. What a cry baby!  
  
Saruman: We must not allow Optimus Prime to destroy the spirit of Sauron! We must intercept them and take the Matrix before they reach the Mountain.  
  
Megatron: I know! I'll order the Constructicons to build me a high powered tracker beam that will suck them into a Space Bridge. Then the Space Bridge will spit them out into space where they float around forever! MU HA MU HA MU HAHAHAHAHAAH!  
  
Bonecrusher: You want us to build you a what?  
  
Megatron: Or maybe a supersonic beam of condensed energy that will blast them to sub atomic particles!  
  
Hook: Huh?  
  
Megatron: Or build a big mirror in space that will shot a laser beam of sunlight at the Earth, where it will overheat and melt them to death!  
  
(Bonecrusher looks at Hook and shrugs)  
  
Saruman: Or we could just walk over and take it from them.  
  
Megatron: Oh yeah, well, that would work too.  
  
Saruman: (He rolls his eyes) I don't think I could handle another one of you running around!  
  
Rumble: Tell me about it! Who do you think has the real brains around here? It's Soundwave!  
  
Megatron: Shut up, Rumble!  
  
(Optimus and Hot Rod are walking toward Mt. Doom. Hot Rod is walking ahead of Optimus, leading the way. Optimus has the Matrix on a chain around his neck).  
  
Optimus: You want my Matrix don't you?  
  
Hot Rod: No I don't.  
  
Optimus: Yes you do.  
  
Hot Rod: I DO NOT!!!!  
  
Optimus: YES YOU DO!  
  
Hot Rod: (turns toward him) NOOOOO I DOOOOOOOOOOOON'T!!!!!!!!  
  
Optimus: Aha! There you see? You just looked at it again!  
  
Hot Rod: I did not!  
  
Optimus: Yes you did!  
  
Hot Rod: I DID NOT! Well then why don't you just put it back into yourself again and not have it hang on that stupid chain!  
  
Optimus: No way! This way I get to look at my precious more. Also I get to see how badly you want to take it from me.  
  
Hot Rod: LOOK! I am not trying to take your Matrix OKAY!!!! (He is on his last nerve).  
  
Optimus: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yes you are.  
  
Hot Rod: OH MY GAWD!!!! (He opens a channel to Autobot City). Hot Rod to Skylinx, are you there?  
  
Skylinx: Skylinx here, Hot Rod.  
  
Hot Rod: I need you to come and pick us up. Optimus is driving me crazy!  
  
Skylinx: You know the most wonderful mechanism in all creation would be happy to lend you a hand Hot Rod, but I have orders to stay here.  
  
Hot Rod: WHAT!!!!!  
  
Skylinx: Yes, something about an epic adventure or something like that, anyway, I can't remember what Ultra Magnus said, as I was too busy watching Friends.  
  
Hot Rod: You've got to help me Skylinx! I can't handle this quest anymore. If I hang around Optimus Prime one minute longer, I'm gonna kill him!  
  
Optimus: THERE IT IS! There is the confession I was waiting for! I knew you were secretly planning to kill me!  
  
Hot Rod: See what I mean?  
  
Optimus: You're never going to take my precious away! NEVER!  
  
Skylinx: HAHAHAHAH!!!!! Joey just squirted milk out of his nose!  
  
Hot Rod: Are you even listening to me, Skylinx?  
  
Skylinx: What did you say, Hot Rod?  
  
Hot Rod: I said you've got to come and get me! Somebody else needs to drag his dumb ass to the mountain and end this quest!  
  
Skylinx: NO WAY!! Rachel just told Monica she may be pregnant!  
  
Hot Rod: I give up! (He hangs up on Skylinx and gets down on his knees). Primus, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And PLEASE send somebody here to rescue me!  
  
Optimus: And Primus, grant me the strength to fight off Hot Rod when he tries to rip the Matrix away from me!  
  
Hot Rod: I hate you. ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Saruman: The time has come for us to fly! But first, we must unite our forces! (Saruman slaps Rumble on the forehead, leaving a white hand mark).  
  
Rumble: Hey! What did you do that for?  
  
Saruman: Your people will wear the white hand of Saruman.  
  
Rumble: Oh yeah, ya geeky wizard freak? Take this! (Rumble whips out a can of purple Krylon paint and sprays it in Saruman's face). Taste the Decepticon mark, skwooshy!  
  
Saruman: AAAHHHHHH!!!! Okay, Okay! I take it back I take it back!!!!  
  
Megatron: Put that paint away, Rumble! (he hides it behind his back). I hate it when you do that. Soundwave, I told you to lock up that paint! You know Rumble sniffs it!  
  
Soundwave: Yes mighty Megatron! (He chases Rumble around the base tying to get it from Rumble, whose running around screaming, 'It's my paint! IT'S MY PAINT!')  
  
Megatron: Enough of this! It's time we left the base and attacked our foe! My clone is waiting, let's go!  
  
They fly out of the base toward Mt. Doom.  
  
End of Chapter 2  
  
Okay! So, this is going to turn itself into a trilogy of its own! Can Hot Rod tolerate Optimus long enough to complete the quest? Can Gandalf gather the fellowship once more in the battle against evil? Can Soundwave ever take the Krylon paint away from Rumble? Chapter 3 shall answer these questions and more.  
  
Hey gang? Anything you want to see added to the third and final chapter? Anything I've forgotten? Let me know, as well as what you thought of Chapter 2. I await your feedback, till then, Bye! 


	3. The Matrix, the shampoo, and the paint

Okay! Chapter 3 is here! I can honestly say that writing this universe has been quite fun! Thanks to all who reviewed. It's been awhile since the update, and I'm sorry. I hate loose ends, so here is the FINAL chapter. This is my very own TF/LOTR Trilogy, then it will officially retire. Have fun, gang!  
  
+++++++++++++It's not Mt. St. Hilary, it's Mt Doom! Chapter 3++++++++++++  
  
{The Decepticons are flying toward Mt. Doom. Saruman is mounted on his Nazgul. Rumble feels inspired and decides to sing a "war song" to rouse the Decepticons for battle)  
  
Rumble:  
  
Oh! those stupid Autobots!  
  
Shaped like stupid cars and trucks!  
  
Can't even fly  
  
So they must die!  
  
Those stupid Autobots! HEY!  
Thundercracker: Can somebody make him shut up?  
Rumble:  
  
Oh! Those stupid Autobots!  
  
I sure hate them lots and lots!  
  
Megatron is king,  
  
That's why I sing,  
  
I hate those Autobots! HEY!  
  
Thundercracker: Have you been sniffing paint again, Rumble?  
  
Rumble:  
  
Oh! Those stupid Autobots!  
  
I'll spray their bottoms and their tops!  
  
With a can of paint!  
  
Purple is so great!  
  
I'll spray them all until they faint! HEY!  
Megatron: Soundwave? Did you take that paint away from Rumble?  
  
Soundwave: Not yet, Megatron.  
  
Megatron: Damn. You better not pull any pranks, Rumble! Stop sniffing that paint!  
  
Rumble: IT'S MY PAINT! IT'S MINE! (he takes another whiff)  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
[Gandalf summons the Fellowship to Rivendell to discuss a way to save Optimus Prime from the influence of Sauron, and destroy his spirit which has infected the Matrix]  
  
Legolas: I'm not going!  
  
Gandalf: But you must help us, Legolas!  
  
Legolas: I don't have to help you do anything! Those Autobots are nothing but trouble, especially Optimus Prime, I hate him the most!  
  
Gandalf: But your presence is desperately needed!  
  
Legolas: I'M NOT GOING!! (he then takes out a comb and starts brushing his long, blonde hair)  
  
Gandalf: But . . . . . .  
  
Legolas: I said no! I'm not going and that is final.  
  
Aragorn: I know how to solve this, Gandalf. (Aragorn whips out a bottle of "Herbal Essences" shampoo. Legolas jaw drops and starts to foam at the mouth).  
  
Aragorn: Yes, you want this shampoo don't you? (Legolas eyes start bugging out of his head).  
  
Gandalf: That's a pretty good trick, Aragorn! (Legolas stares at the shampoo completely transfixed).  
  
Aragorn: Tell us you're going on the quest Legolas, or no shampoo for you! (he shakes the bottle from side to side).  
  
Legolas: Shhhhaaaaaaammmmmmpppooooooooo.  
  
Aragorn: Oh yeah, he's in.  
  
Gandalf: Good! How about you Frodo? If anybody knows what it's like to bear a heavy burden, it's you.  
  
Frodo: Of course I'll help Optimus!  
  
Sam: And don't be forgetting about me Gandalf! Where Master Frodo goes, I go! (He smiles at Frodo, grinning from ear to ear).  
  
Frodo: Well Sam, you really don't have to go this time.  
  
Sam: Oh no Master, I'll follow you anywhere!  
  
Frodo: No REALLY SAM, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW ME THIS TIME!  
  
Sam: It's the least I can do  
  
Frodo: SAM!!!!! (He jumps on him and wrestles him to the ground I WANT YOU TO STOP FOLLOWING ME AROUND!!!!!!!  
  
Sam: But Master Frodo?  
  
Frodo: AND STOP CALLING ME MASTER!!!!  
  
Sam: But you are my master, Frodo. My master until the bitter end (he hugs Frodo).  
  
(Frodo struggles to free himself from Sam's embrace)  
  
Frodo: LET ME GO!!!!! (they wrestle around on the ground)  
  
Aragorn: Okay, is anybody else but me slightly disturbed by this? (the others nod in agreement).  
  
(Merry and Pippin each grab a Hobbit and drag them away from each other).  
  
Frodo: It used to be cute for the first few months! Now you're just irritating!  
  
Sam: I won't leave you Frodo, I'm your Sam, and I'll always be!  
  
Frodo: Don't call me "your Sam" you freak! (Frodo blushes with embarrassment).  
  
Gandalf: It looks like Sam's not going anywhere but with you, Frodo.  
  
Frodo: AH MAN! (Sam continues to smile broadly at him). Do you know how hard it is getting date with him always hanging on me?  
  
Elrond: Then it has been decided! The Fellowship shall unite once more against evil!  
  
Gandalf: But how are we going to destroy Sauron without harming Optimus and the Matrix?  
  
Elrond: I'm afraid we have no other choice. The Matrix must be destroyed.  
  
Gandalf: No! There has to be another way!  
  
Elrond: What other choice do we have? Saruman has joined forces with Megatron and is headed toward Mt. Doom as we speak.  
  
All: GASP!  
  
Gandalf: And how do you know this, Elrond?  
  
(Starscream walks into the council) Hey guys!  
  
Gandalf: Starscream! What devilry is this! A Decepticon in Rivendell?  
  
Starscream: A devil that can help you stop Saruman!  
  
Gandalf: And why would you help us defeat Saruman?  
  
Starscream: Because he's the new evil sidekick next to Megatron, and I want him DEAD!  
  
Gandalf: So, your helping us is motivated by your own lust for power. How do we know that we can trust you?  
  
Starscream: You can't really, I'm really quite the evil bastard myself, but I'll try really, really hard not to kill you. Promise.  
  
Gandalf: And when Saruman is defeated what then? Will you go back to the Decepticon cause from whence you came?  
  
Starscream: Yes, once Saruman is gone, Megatron will be groveling for me to come home.  
  
(The council looks at each other like, "yeah right!")  
  
Gandalf: Fine, so we head off to rescue our friends!  
  
Starscream: And destroy our enemies!  
  
Gimli: I think I'm beginning to like you Starscream!  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
(Hot Rod and Optimus are still walking towards Mt. Doom)  
  
Optimus: Admit it! You want my Matrix.  
  
Hot Rod: I'm just gonna leave you here if you don't stop harassing me!  
  
Optimus: Why don't you just tell the truth? You're after my position as leader of the Autobots.  
  
Hot Rod: ALRIGHT! I did a stupid thing, okay? I admit it! I got between you and Megatron and you died as a result. But I didn't mean to do it! It was stupid and I'm really sorry. There, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!  
  
Optimus: I don't believe you.  
  
Hot Rod: What do you want me to do? I can't change the way things happened. I don't know why you're bent on punishing me. I mean, you looked into Galadriel's mirror and changed Transformer history as a result. Now you didn't die and you're here safe and sound. Now would you stop it with all that Matrix stuff? I'm not after it!  
  
Optimus: You're still a little punk and I have to keep a close watch on you. My precious and me will both watch you closely, won't we precious?  
  
Hot Rod: Would you please stop talking to that thing? I mean, you are SO out of character right now. I think I have lost all respect for you. Maybe it would be better if you were dead!  
  
Optimus: That's it! Another year in the closet for you!  
  
Hot Rod: I'M SORRY I'M SORRY! I didn't mean that! I was just kidding!  
  
Optimus: You say one more word Hot Rod, and I'll make it another year!  
  
Hot Rod: That's not fair!  
  
Optimus: You just opened your mouth again! That's another year!  
  
Hot Rod: You can't do that!  
  
Optimus: Two years!  
  
Hot Rod: I'll get my lawyer!  
  
Optimus: Three years!  
  
Hot Rod: Yeah right!  
  
Optimus: FOUR YEARS!  
  
Hot Rod: Oh kiss my ass!  
  
Optimus: FIVE YEARS! Wanna make it six?  
  
Hot Rod: Why don't you just make it forever you stupid, old, geezer freak?  
  
Optimus: ETERNITY!  
  
Hot Rod: I'd like to see you try to do it!  
  
Optimus: Don't think I can? You should ask Grimlock what I do to Transformers I don't like.  
  
Hot Rod: Don't threaten me Optimus! You don't know what I can do to Transformers I DON'T LIKE! Especially old farts like you!  
  
Optimus: Is that so?  
  
Hot Rod: Wanna tempt me?  
  
Optimus: LET'S GO!  
  
(Hot Rod and Optimus run at each other. Optimus easily overpowers Hot Rod and pins him to the ground and wraps his hands around his neck).  
  
Optimus: DIE YOU LITTLE PUNK!  
  
Hot Rod: NEVER!!!! (He kicks Optimus off of him and runs like hell to a rock, where he hides).  
  
Optimus: STOP STEALING MY LINES!  
  
Hot Rod: Optimus! Look at what we're doing? We're trying to kill each other and it's because of the Matrix! Its turning us evil! Its power is coming from Sauron! Optimus! We must get a hold of ourselves!  
  
Optimus: COME HERE SO I CAN FINISH YOU OFF!  
  
Hot Rod: Prime! You've got to fight it! Don't let Sauron's power enslave you!  
  
Optimus: I'm not a slave! I AM A GREAT WARRIOR WHO WILL CONQUER ALL! (Optimus runs up and grabs Hot Rod by the neck again and lifts him off the ground)  
  
Hot Rod: STOP. . . . . .YOU'RE . . . . . . .GONNA. . . . . . KILL. . . . . ME!  
  
Optimus: Exactly!  
  
(Hot Rod flings his leg at Optimus, which causes him to loose balance. He drops Hot Rod and falls over, hitting his head against a rock. He sinks down unconscious).  
  
Hot Rod: Optimus? Optimus? Are you alright? (he shakes Optimus) OPTIMUS SAY SOMETHING! (he shakes harder) OH MY GAWD I JUST KILLED MY LEADER AGAIN! DAMN MY LIFE! OH CRUEL UNIVERSE!  
  
(Hot Rod opens a channel to Autobot City to speak with Ultra Magnus).  
  
Hot Rod: Ultra Magnus? Are you there? This is Hot Rod.  
  
Ultra Magnus: Ultra Magnus here, Hot Rod.  
  
Hot Rod: You're not going to believe this, but I've just killed off Optimus again!  
  
Ultra Magnus: Hey! Did you hear that everybody? Hot Rod just killed off Optimus!  
  
Skylynx: YOU BASTARD!  
  
Hot Rod: The quest has failed. I have failed everyone!  
  
Ultra Magnus: Well, not exactly. Just take the Matrix from Prime and continue to head off to Mt. Doom.  
  
Hot Rod: But what about Prime? You want me to just leave him here?  
  
Ultra Magnus: Oh, he'll be alright! Just leave him there.  
  
Hot Rod: MAGNUS!  
  
Ultra Magnus: Oh alright, just bury him if you must!  
  
Hot Rod: MAGNUS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!  
  
Ultra Magnus: Alright, alright! I'll send the hearse to come around and pick him up. Magnus out!  
  
(Hot Rod kneels beside Optimus)  
  
Hot Rod: Farewell, Optimus Prime. When you're not completely insane, you are the greatest leader I have ever met. You are like a father to me and I'll miss you always.  
  
(Hot Rod takes the Matrix from around Optimus' neck, then BAM BAM BAM! The Decepticon army fires at Hot Rod and Optimus' body. Hot Rod jumps with surprise and hides behind a rock. The Decepticons land on the ground.)  
  
Rumble: Hey? Where'd he go?  
  
Megatron: Let's find him and take the Matrix!  
  
Saruman: Megatron, haven't you noticed that Optimus Prime is lying dead on the ground?  
  
Megatron: Huh? (he practically trips over Optimus and says flatly) Oh, yeah, look, he's dead.  
  
Saruman: (looking puzzled) That's a very odd response from you Megatron. Shouldn't you be ecstatic with happiness that he's dead?  
  
Megatron: (looks down at Saruman) Have you ever watched the Transformer episodes, wizard?  
  
Saruman: Well. . . . .ah. . . . . no. Why?  
  
Megatron: Let me fill you in on a little insider knowledge. Optimus Prime NEVER dies, I swear! I used to get all excited about it the first few times it happened you know? But then he always manages to get revived by some miracle or another and now seeing him lying here dead just doesn't do it for me anymore. You just watch and you'll see what I mean; he'll be up and about again in no time, running around with that stupid look on his face telling everybody how happy he is to be alive. It's SOOOO annoying!  
  
Saruman: Are you positive he will live again?  
  
Megatron: Oh yeah, any minute now. (he picks up a stick and starts poking Optimus with it)  
  
Rumble: Hey Megatron? Do me a favor and roll him over for me!  
  
Megatron: Why would you want me to do something like that?  
  
Rumble: Oh please, please, please, please,  
  
Megatron: SILENCE!  
  
Rumble: Pretty please with shredded Autobot hearts on top?  
  
Megatron: Anything to get you to SHUT UP! (he rolls Optimus' body over)  
  
(Rumble takes out his can of purple Krylon Paint and sprays some on his hand. He then slaps Optimus on the rear end, leaving a purple hand mark).  
  
Rumble: It's the purple hand of Rumble!  
  
Megatron: PUT THAT PAINT AWAY! (Rumble hides it behind his back)  
  
Saruman: That's disgusting! You are playing with the dead! Have you no respect!  
  
(Megatron and Rumble are both poking at Optimus with sticks)  
  
Saruman: MEGATRON! Quit poking Optimus with that stick!  
  
Megatron: Wake up LOSER! (he jabs Optimus a few more times) He'll be around any minute now.  
  
Saruman: AHEM! Have you forgotten the reason WHY were here?  
  
(Megatron isn't paying any attention to Saruman. He continues to poke Optimus)  
  
Megatron: Hmmmmm. . . .that's strange, he usually wakes up right about now (poke, poke, poke)  
  
Saruman: AAAAHEM! Matrix, remember?  
  
Megatron: (poke, poke, poke) There must be something wrong! (poke, poke)  
  
Saruman: MEGATRON!  
  
Megatron: (jumps) WHAT?  
  
Saruman: Would you knock that off! Remember the mission!  
  
Megatron: Oh yes! The mission! Where was I again? (clears throat) LET'S FIND THAT AUTOBRAT AND TAKE THE MATRIX!  
  
Saruman: That's better.  
  
(The Decepticons spread out. Skywarp sees something and looks behind a rock, where Hot Rod is hiding)  
  
Skywarp: I FOUND HIM! (He fires at Hot Rod. Megatron flies overhead and has Hot Rod pinned down against the rock, reaching for the Matrix).  
  
Gandalf: Not so fast Megatron!  
  
Megatron: Gandalf!  
  
(The Fellowship stands proudly together. Starscream crosses his arms and gives Megatron an indignant look)  
  
Megatron: Starscream? Apart of the Fellowship? Have you gone mad?  
  
Starscream: I'm here to get rid of a particular "sidekick" and reclaim my position as second in command!  
  
Megatron: The position isn't available, Starscream. And for you it never will be!  
  
Saruman: I'll show you what we do to traitors! YWAH! (he points his staff at Starscream, transforming him into a chicken)  
  
Starscream: BOCK BOCK BOCK!  
  
Gandalf: Not so fast Saruman! YWAH! (he transforms Starscream back to a robot)  
  
Starscream: HEY!  
  
Saruman: YWAH! (chicken)  
  
Starscream: BOCK!  
  
Gandalf: YWAH! (robot)  
  
Starscream: HEY!  
  
(This goes on for a few minutes, with Starscream yelling, "Hey! Bock! Hey! Bock! Hey Bock! Hey!")  
  
Rumble: This is getting me dizzy! (Megatron nods in agreement)  
  
Megatron: Alright Saruman! That's enough! Starscream may be many things, but turning him into an organic being is just plain WRONG! I get the quakes just thinking about it!  
  
(Saruman transforms Starscream back to a robot)  
  
Starscream: HEY! (he coughs up chicken feathers)  
  
Gandalf: Now is the time to end this once and for all! The forces of evil must be swayed. ATTACK POSITIONS!  
  
(Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo, Aragorn, Legolas, Starscream, and Gandalf strike defensive poses. Megatron looks at them unimpressed).  
  
Megatron: So, the little Fellowship has come to try and stop us, have they? We shall see about that! When I get my hands on the Matrix, I will be able to . . . . . .uh. . . .Hey Legolas? Is that you?  
  
Legolas: Hey! My man Megatron! How's it going?  
  
(The Fellowships mouths drop to the ground)  
  
Megatron: Are you up to being an honorary Decepticon like we talked about?  
  
Legolas: Sure! (He walks over and stands next to Megatron) Do we get to destroy Optimus Prime? He's a tree killer you know!  
  
Megatron: It looks like he's already dead.  
  
Legolas: Hot Rod again, huh?  
  
Megatron: Sad how it's always him isn't it?  
  
(Hot Rod jumps up)  
  
Hot Rod: SHUT UP!  
  
Saruman: This is pointless. We are at war and Hot Rod has the Matrix!  
  
Gandalf: And you're NEVER going to take it from him either! Ready for attack!  
  
Frodo: I'll distract the Decepticons. Hot Rod, you run up to Mt. Doom and throw the Matrix inside, okay?  
  
Hot Rod: OKAY!  
  
Frodo: GO! (Frodo takes out the Phial of Galadriel which creates a bright light, blinding the Decepticons. Hot Rod makes a run for it)  
  
Megatron: AHHHHHH! The Hobbit has blinded me! (He shoots wildly in Frodo's direction)  
  
(Merry and Pippin take out the Elf Rope and use it to trip Soundwave and Skywarp, who are staggering around trying to shield their optics. Megatron fires wildly, and fires a shot directly at Sam, but Rumble stumbles in the path, instead.)  
  
Rumble: AAAAAAHHHHHH! (Rumble falls over, taking Sam with him).  
  
Sam: Why Rumble! You just saved my life! I owe you a life debt! (He hugs Rumble)  
  
Rumble: Who are you? Let go of me! AAAAHHHHH (Sam is locked in an embrace around Rumble's leg)  
  
Rumble: LET ME GO! HEY! SOMEBODY HELP ME! (Rumble is seen running around with a Hobbit attached to his leg) AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  
  
(Meanwhile, Starscream is firing shots at Dirge and Ramjet, who are firing back. Legolas is firing arrows at Starscream).  
  
Starscream: You stupid Elf! Take that! (He fires shots at Legolas, who fires arrows back at him. Gimli sneeks up and grabs Legolas)  
  
Gimli: Are you absolutely mad? You are at war with the wrong side! Megatron is the enemy!  
  
Legolas: I told you I didn't want to go on this stupid quest! I hate Optimus Prime and everybody that stands for him should die too!  
  
Aragorn: Ahem, Legolas?  
  
(Legolas looks over to see Aragorn, whose holding the bottle of Herbal Essences in his hand)  
  
Aragorn: Remember this? (He shakes it from side to side).  
  
Legolas: Why do you have to torment me with that? You know I want that shampoo!  
  
Aragorn: Then get your butt back over here and fight on the right side!  
  
Legolas: If I do, will I be able to take a shower with the shampoo tonight?  
  
(Aragorn looks perplexed. He sees a flash in his mind of Legolas moaning in ecstasy in the shower with the shampoo on his head. He then thinks about how irritating it is having to listen to Legolas shout, YES! YES! YES! and whip that hair around like a girl. Not that Legolas doesn't do that already, but. . . . .)  
  
Legolas: WELL?  
  
Aragorn: OH! ALRIGHT! (He gives Legolas the shampoo, knowing he's going to regret it later).  
  
Legolas: Alright, then we have a deal! (Legolas turns around and fires at Soundwave, instead).  
  
Rumble: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Sam is riding piggy back on Rumble)  
  
Sam: I'm YOUR Sam, Rumble!  
  
Rumble: GET HIM OFF ME! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! (He runs around the battlefield in circles screaming)  
  
(Meanwhile, the Phial of Galadriel fades and its light dims).  
  
Megatron: MUHAHAHAH!!!!! Now it is time for the Frodo Baggins to die! (He points his fusion cannon at Frodo, whose backed up against a rock with that terrified look on his face we've all come to love. Megatron fires a direct shot at Frodo. The beam hits Frodo straight in the chest, then bounces back and hits Megatron, instead).  
  
Megatron: UGH! (He falls over. Frodo whips out his sword 'Sting' and points it in Megatron's face)  
  
Frodo: Leave this place now, or perish by my sword!  
  
Megatron: But how? How did you do that?  
  
(Frodo unbuttons his shirt and underneath displays his Mithril mail coat. Aragorn, Gimli, Merry and Pippin also point their weapons at Megatron).  
  
Gandalf: Hobbits may be small, but their more powerful than you can imagine, Megatron.  
  
Megatron: I knew I should've read those stupid books!  
  
Gandalf: Surrender now, Megatron, or I'll turn you into the most disgusting organic being alive!  
  
Megatron: Oh NO! Please don't! I want to be a gorilla!  
  
Gandalf: Then you had better run! (Frodo starts to run off to Mt. Doom to help Hot Rod).  
  
Megatron: DECEPTICONS! RETREAT! (He jumps up and starts to run away, but first trips over Optimus Prime in the process and lands flat on his face. Optimus stirs).  
  
Optimus: What the. . . . .(He rubs his head). Megatron? What am I going here? And what are YOU doing here?  
  
Megatron: I KNEW IT! You damn robot! I'm SO sick of you always coming back to life!  
  
Optimus: Hey! That's not fair, I mean, look at me! I wake up and the first thing I have to look at is your ugly face!  
  
Megatron: I'm LEAVING! (Megatron gets up)  
  
Saruman: NO! Don't flee! We almost had the Matrix!  
  
Megatron: What's the point? That little Autobrat has probably already thrown it inside the mountain by now!  
  
(Optimus gets up) The Matrix? Being thrown into Mt. Doom? I MUST STOP HIM! (He runs up the mountain slope).  
  
(Meanwhile, Hot Rod is at the precipice of Mt. Doom, standing over the magma. Frodo is running up behind him. The closer Hot Rod gets, the more power from the Sauron's spirit he feels).  
  
Matrix: HOOOOT ROOOOD!!!! JOIN WITH ME HOT ROD! CONQUER MIDDLE EARTH AND RULE! HOOOOOT ROOOOOD!  
  
Frodo: Don't listen to it Hot Rod! You must destroy the Matrix!  
  
(Hot Rod looks conflicted. Should he throw the Matrix inside the magma, should be join with Sauron, or should he keep it? His mind races with confusion as the intense influence of Sauron's spirit engulfs him).  
  
Matrix: HOOOOOT ROOOOD!  
  
Optimus: HOT ROD! STOP! DON'T THROW THE MATRIX INSIDE!  
  
Frodo: Don't listen to Optimus! THROW IT IN!  
  
Matrix: HOOOOOOT ROOOOOOD! JOIN WITH ME!  
  
Optimus: Are you crazy? You are about to destroy the most precious artifact of Cybertron!  
  
Frodo: Throw it in! Throw it in!  
  
Optimus: Shut up, Frodo!  
  
Frodo: YOU SHUT UP!  
  
Optimus: NO YOU!  
  
Frodo: YOU!  
  
Optimus: YOU!  
  
(Hot Rod looks at Frodo, then at Optimus, then back at Frodo, then back at Optimus).  
  
Frodo: SHUT UP PRIME!  
  
Optimus: SHUT UP HOBBIT!  
  
Frodo: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!  
  
Optimus: NO YOU DON'T!  
  
Frodo: YES I DO, HERE! (Frodo throws the Lord of the Rings trilogy at Optimus' head) READ THAT!  
  
Optimus: HEY! What do you do, keep those books hidden around in your pocket until it's time to throw them at somebody's head? Don't throw your stupid little books at me!  
  
(Frodo and Optimus start arguing)  
  
Hot Rod: SHUT UP! (They both stop arguing at look at him. He's clutching the Matrix shaking with anxiety and fear).  
  
Hot Rod: I think, I think. . I should. . . . (He holds it over the magma)  
  
Matrix: HOOOOOOT ROOOOOOD!  
  
Optimus: No Hot Rod, don't!  
  
Frodo: Yes Hot Rod! Throw it in!  
  
(Suddenly, Megatron dives down with Saruman from the volcano's cone and snatches the Matrix from Hot Rod).  
  
Megatron: Muhahahahahah! I have it finally! The Matrix of Power!  
  
Saruman: Yes! Now we can release the spirit of Sauron back into the volcano and soon the world of Middle-Earth will fall!  
  
Optimus: Not if I can help it! (He jumps at Megatron and they are both engaged in a fight over the Matrix).  
  
(The Volcano starts to rumble and crack, chunks of rock begin to fall into the magma)  
  
Saruman: You had better get that Matrix Megatron, otherwise, no evil clone for you! (Saruman then leans up against the volcano wall and lights a cigarette, looking bored).  
  
Hot Rod: I've GOT to help Prime!  
  
Frodo: No Hot Rod! If you do, you'll only screw things up.  
  
(Optimus and Megatron are tug-of-warring over the Matrix)  
  
Megatron: Let go! It's my Matrix of Power!  
  
Optimus: It not called the 'Matrix of Power' stupid! It's called the Matrix of Leadership!  
  
Frodo: (scratches head) I always thought it was called 'The Creation Matrix'?  
  
Optimus: Shut up, Frodo!  
  
(A secret door opens in the volcano wall and Dr. Evil walks out)  
  
Dr. Evil: Would you all please get out of my Friggin' secret volcano lair? You're messing up my "Liquid Hot Mag-Ma" That's very hard to replace, you know!)  
  
(Optimus and Megatron stop everything they're doing and look at Dr. Evil with confused expressions, thinking, "What the. . . ?)  
  
(Saruman finishes off his twelfth cigarette and looks at the heavens like, "Oh, just kill me now!")  
  
(Hot Rod jumps in-between Megatron and Optimus and grabs the Matrix while they're distracted)  
  
Hot Rod: AH HA! I've got the Matrix now! Whoops! (He trips over a rock and drops the Matrix into the "Liquid Hot Mag-Ma")  
  
Hot Rod: Oh crap!  
  
Optimus and Megatron: OH CRAP!  
  
Dr. Evil: Okay! Funs over, you lost your little toy, now go home. Shoo now, go on, go home (he walks back into the secret door and departs)  
  
The volcano begins to quake, a huge shriek is heard from the magma, as Sauron's spirit begins to die. Huge rock boulders and debris begin ripping the volcano walls apart.  
  
Optimus grabs Hot Rod by the arm and says, "We've got to get out of here!" Hot Rod nods in agreement and grabs Frodo. They then transform and roll out, as huge rocks fly at them from every direction.  
  
Megatron and Saruman fly away, as the volcano begins to break apart. Dr Evil comes out of the secret door, sees all the destruction and says, "Those A-holes! They just ruined my friggin' volcano!" He runs like a girl into Bob's Big Boy and flies away.  
  
Meanwhile, the Fellowship hears the explosion from the volcano and sees the magma spewing out. They jump on their horses and run away. Optimus and Hot Rod race down the mountain as fast as they can, inches away from the magma. Soon they speed away in the safety of their own lands.  
  
Epilogue: Sometime in the future  
  
The Land of Middle-Earth is quiet. The birds are singing, the deer graze quietly, the brook babbles, the wind blows softly, and the YES! YES! YES! . . . . .uh, as I was saying, the land is peaceful and quiet, (that is, with the exception of Legolas taking his showers) Aragorn can hear Legolas all the way in Gondor and curses to himself every time he hears him.  
  
Optimus locked Hot Rod in the closet again for another year as punishment for dropping the Matrix and destroying it. He still gets visits from Kup once an awhile. Gandalf and Optimus remain friends.  
  
Saruman whined endlessly to Megatron about not getting the Matrix and ruining the mission. Megatron decided he was starting to sound like Starscream, so he went ahead and replaced him. Saruman lives alone in the tower Orthanc.  
  
Samwise Gamgee continues to write e-mails to Rumble. He gets no response back.  
  
Frodo Baggins finally got a serious date, and is living happily in Bag-End.  
  
Rumble spends his days entertaining himself by slapping the Decepticons on the rear end with a purple hand mark. Soundwave continues to try taking it from him.  
  
Megatron continues to plot evil plans against the Autobots. Now that the Matrix is gone, he actually thinks he's got a chance at winning. (YEAH RIGHT!)  
  
The End!  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Alright! That concludes my personal trilogy of "It's not Mt. St. Hilary, it's Mt. Doom!" I hope you got a few laughs.  
  
Now it is time to explain a few things. First of all, I did NOT invent the Legolas/Herbal Essences joke. That is a huge gag invented by some writer at Fanfiction.net in the Lord of the Rings/humor section. I cannot give you the exact inventor, as EVERYBODY is playing with this idea and it's impossible to know who the originator was. So, I'm just playing along too and wanted to disclaim myself of the idea. Dr. Evil is not my property either. He belongs to Mike Meyers.  
  
So, now that I've managed to hold your attention this long, why don't you send me a quick review and call it good. Love ya gang, C-Ya Later! Crazomatic 


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